Time. This continuing motion that keeps on moving despite anything we try to do to stop it. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months and all of a sudden you’re 10 years down the road with little to no idea how the hell you got there. Throughout that time there may have been some amazing moments, capturing each like a picture in a photo book, somewhat unorganized but meaningful and nostalgic. Memories overtime can seem so distant, especially if you don’t have that photo book handy. Its easy to forget about how we’ve evolved, moments that made us smile or those times that helped to mold us to the present. Always chasing the next dream and the next goal, we don’t really take the time it takes to process our small wins that took years to perfect.
My awareness training has been somewhat of a clusterfuck. In 2015 I suffered from a bad nervous breakdown that pulled all of my anxieties and traumas to the surface. Kind of like a volcano, years and years of pressure and built up mayhem that had successfully lived deep down inside me erupted to the surface and I was no longer this perfect molded mountain that I created myself to be. All of sudden, I could no longer control or contain this lava of regret, pain, addiction, and self harm from overflowing into those I genuinely loved. Now my problems were being consumed by others and reflecting on the relationships that meant everything to me. I needed help.
Cue in my therapist, Dr. Krupica. I thought about not mentioning her by name for confidentiality reasons but this lady saw all my erupted bullshit, helped me organize it, helped me to examine my lava and dissect it like a frog on a high school lab table. Let me tell you, the truth hurts. I had spent from 2005 to 2015 drowning in my own chaos. Yes, my trauma from loss and violence hadn’t helped but that was the first time that I realized how many memories, growth, and hard work I’d put in those 10 years. I was never satisfied with what I was doing because I was trying to escape something I could not control. I forgot to stop and enjoy the ride. At that point my oldest son was 9 years old and had saw me work harder to escape my past than I did in being present with him. As a parent, we like to think that we’re doing the right thing by working to provide when in actuality, that work is taking us away from the very relationships that mean the most to us. I was a selfish teen mom who put my own needs in front of my child. At the moment, I thought “well if I do this now, It’ll give him a better opportunity later” instead of being present and aware of my relationship with him at that time. My need to work and be on the go and always booked and busy was consuming so much of my being that I was never satisfied. Being aware made me realize that there was more of myself that needed to be worked on other than my past. My daily habits, my surroundings and my attitude had to change NOW. I didn’t have it together and I needed to love myself. I needed a moment to hug myself and sleep. Mothering wasn’t something that I felt natural with, I have had a toxic relationship with my own for years. It’s hard to admit that as a parent but I had to learn to mother myself.
That’s the problem with American culture, we were raised to work, grind and gloat. I can’t tell you how many times I hash-tagged #teamnosleep or #grinddontstop thinking that was the way people got ahead in life. We’re working ourselves towards complete exhaustion thinking that rest and well needed relaxation is lazy instead of rejuvenating. We cringe at the thought of sitting down because society has told us that only those who work get ahead. I am here to tell you that all of it is bullshit. I dare you to take a day to yourself, away from your work, phone and anything else that consumes you on a daily. Of course, we have to work to survive and make a living but one day on your day off, take care of you. Indulge in all of those guilty pleasures that make you feel good, take a nap in the middle of the day, take a walk to the corner and back without your phone, & for God’s sake, don’t check your social media.
In the process towards unraveling our chaos, compassion has to be our main concern. Of course you want to be sensitive to those around you that you love but remember to place that especially true on yourself. It’s time to give yourself all that motherly love you give your own kids. Let me tell you firsthand, this process isn’t a walk in the park. You may uncover things about yourself that you don’t like or have tried to hide for decades, awareness gives you the powerful ability to learn and grow. While you uncover, be prepared to call yourself names over guilt, embarrassment & shame. THAT is when that mother needs to come in to remind yourself of how far you’ve come, how beautiful you are and treat yourself to that ice cream bar you’ve avoided because of the calories. Life is way too short to not enjoy the little things that take our breathe away.
Remember that today is the day we all need to focus on. Even the worst days with the most inconveniences, there is always a place to find joy. In the funny jokes your kid makes while giving you a hard time taking a bath. In the reflection of light that hits the snow on the coldest day of the year. In that extra moment of time you have in traffic to just sit and listen to music.
You and I can always use a little bit of nurturing love, we’ve all made mistakes and done things we aren’t proud of. This isn’t the time to chastise ourselves or tear ourselves down to the pits, love yourself a little harder this week.
You deserve it.
God loves you and so do I,
-XO