What took you so long, Xoch?
It’s amazing the stronghold that fear and doubt can grasp over you. The feeling of unworthiness so crippling it stops you from being you. For the longest time I put my worth into other peoples hands, taking consideration to everyone else’s feelings and doubting the power of my creativity. I didn’t believe that I’d make music again, to be honest I didn’t trust my talent. Music had always been such a huge part of my upbringing that when I let it go, a part of me was lost. I had gone searching into the darkness for all these other talents that I have (communications, marketing, branding, management and all the other things in my life that have consumed my creativity) that I forgot who I really was and what I’m really made of. I sat on the album for a few months, thinking that every bad circumstance that was hitting at once was a sign that I needed to let it all go to waste.
Thank you for proving me wrong. I doubted myself to the point that I forgot about all the people that can relate to my hardships and struggles. My vulnerabilities are giving me the ability to help others and how beautiful that opportunity is. I’m a single speck of sand in this beach of a world & I am making a difference. I have given up the power of my voice before, I refuse to do it again.
That got me thinking, how many other people in this world do not trust their power? Are we all somewhere between faking it to make it and complete and utter self destruction? For the first time in my life I feel like I’m not alone. I put out into the world an album that showed all of my vulnerabilities, my trauma, my hard truth and exactly what I thought was going to be “too much” for people is exactly what I’m getting the best feedback on. My emotion and pain came out over sound and I’m no longer afraid to show face, my real face, without care for how others like it.
When I first started this website, I never had much direction in how or what I was going to do. I had no intention or reason to believe that I’d be making music again, let alone lead singing in a 7 piece band or finishing an album. It happened and it changed me. It made me remember how much I truly enjoy performing, writing music, and just plain singing but my favorite thing that it made me remember is who I am and what I’m made of and I truly believe that everyone deserves to find their safe space and be able to live freely without bias or fear.
After doing a lot of research and trying everything under the sun to make myself happy, I’ve learned that happiness isn’t about hitting the goals you’ve set for yourself rather than enjoying the daily habits that get you to those goals. Where I come from, nobody teaches you about managing your emotions or how to deal with pain. You deal with it, you move on and you continue to live life because nothing worth having is free. I don’t want to continue living this monotonous routine that kills all my joy and sucks the soul out of myself because I care too much about what society says is right. I don’t want to suppress my feelings or watch what I say or have more concern for anyone else’s emotions when certain things are killing me inside. If my happiness is dependent on suppressing my greatest features to conform to what makes others feel comfortable, I DON’T FUCKING WANT IT. I believe that we all have this power inside us that freaks us out and makes other people uncomfortable which in turn makes us hide our power out of fear. That voice inside us that is rude and a little savage that we conceal under a sweet smile when inside they’re calling it how it is. That person knows who they are, what they want and how they feel and isn’t afraid or worried about how others will feel about it. That person doesn’t want you do go where you are under-appreciated. That person wants you to vocalize your concerns at the big meeting at work. That person wants you to set your boundaries against people who only care about themselves, and most of all, that person wants you 100% happy. If that means saying no to overtime so you can get your nails done, so be it. If that means not attending the birthday party because it’s not your scene, so be it. If that means taking a step back from a great work promotion to focus and take care of your dad, let it be.
We’ve been programmed since we were born to conform to what’s right over what’s wrong, color between the lines, and obey thy mother and thy father. Most of our values and core morals are tucked away at the back of the brain and built between the ages of 2 and 5 years old. I don’t know about you but I feel a lot smarter than I was in kindergarten. All of that bullshit “speak when you are spoken to” nonsense is dead. We are powerful and we deserve to put ourselves out there and drive our ideas and emotions through walls and barriers that were built to silence us. We deserve to feel comfortable having a bad day and not agreeing to shit because it’ll make someone happy. We deserve to cancel plans at the last minute because we are tired without recourse of someone calling us boring. We deserve to be true to ourselves because we have been taught to raise our hands to ask for permission to simply speak freely.
My objective moving forward is to help you realize your own power and help you feel comfortable make yourself happy. Teach you tricks and tips to create habits that help you to embrace every feature that others call flaws. By turning your pain into power, the possibilities are limitless and I am here to tell you that the smallest actions cause the biggest reactions. I am here to tell you that opening that door to the closet full of spiderwebs, regret, pain, and trauma will help you to continually open doors that you thought weren’t meant for your path. Saying hello and greeting the person inside you that people said was too loud, dramatic, and extra will only make you wiser and help you to love that crazy mother fucker.
We no longer need to sit down and shut up, we need to stand up and speak out. If I can help you do that, then let’s get fucking crazy, stir up the norm, blast that gangsta rap and get to work. I got you.
Till next time.
God loves you and so do I,
-XO