Growing up in pessimistic surroundings imprints a dark aura around success. Almost as if it is something you don’t deserve, a hard truth to break if you want to believe you’re worthy. That mindset has to be built, the ability to believe in your potential is a hard concept to hold onto when everything and everyone around you has been brought up to believe it’s unattainable. However, where my own confidence has lacked I have made up for through faith. I know, undeniably, that my faith has broken down barriers that could have kept me stuck in the same rotation of struggle and distress. One thing I refuse to do, is allow that pessimism to pass through the lens of my children because they do deserve better.
Standing alone is scary. Sometimes it is easy to just follow along with the crowd instead of creating your own path. Smooth roads aren’t always the smartest route, its predictable and safe but it also leaves so much room for human error. When you’re not on your toes, things become complacent. Easy, even. When things feel easy and without challenge, you get comfortable thinking you know everything. That is exactly when you take your eyes off the road. The rocky road, however, may throw you out of your comfort zone but you keep your hands on the wheel at all times and focus on the destination. You may have to work harder and maybe fear your life for a while but the feeling you get using your mind and body to its max potential, is indescribable. I took a road that others around me feared and I came out on top, despite the terror the journey took me through.
At times I feel as if my journey has been a blessing and a curse. I have learned to survive on my own will, pushed by faith and grace. Where it has made me stronger as an individual it has pushed me so far from who I was when I started. I have had to break emotional ties with people I loved, to make my dreams a reality. I knew that if I stayed on that clear path my life would not change. Sure, I had the support of others to be just like them, to feel comfortable in the crowd and have the support I always wanted but the second I chose to go off path I was abandoned. As much as I tried to prove that I was worthy and valuable, the clear path rejected me. I was different now, my wounds cut deeper. I had to stay motivated and train my mind to accept the road God lead me on, with only Him by my side. The pessimism of the crowd turned on me and all of a sudden, I was opposed. Making all my realities bitter sweet. It turned my accomplishments and success sour because the crowd was pissed I left them.
Had I known the effects of my route I may have never left. The resentment I feel from those that I love has killed me harder than anyone can understand. I never wanted to leave the crowd, I just wanted to prove that it was possible to make things happen. I’ve realized how important the support of those I left behind meant to me but I cannot ignore the reaction my moves have caused. A lack of understanding and a handful of ignorance has transformed me to the enemy. I am now the white collar in a blue collar neighborhood. I am in the corner office while the others work in the factory. Regardless of the time I spent in that same factory, hustling to make ends meet, struggling to figure out my next meals, working overtime on holidays and birthdays so I can be where I am, it means nothing. The days and nights I spent away from my child to give him the life he deserved were in vain to those that stood comfortable in their own lane. As hard as I have tried to be a beacon of hope to the people I care about, I became the villain. I’ve struggled with the thought of losing sight of who I am at the core but I refuse to be the punching bag that accepts passive aggressiveness because the color of my collar has changed. Today is where the mindset that a girl like me doesn’t deserve what I have because it was never mine to begin with DIES. Today I become the woman who fought my way from the gutter to the corner office, through grit, determination, hard work and faith. If that offends you, go fuck yourself.
The road less traveled has led me down some dark and weary roads. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to turn around, never realizing that being lost helped my voyage. When nobody else is around to guide you, you’re forced to find your own way. I never wanted to complete this mission on my own, I always had the idea that once I had enough I’d be able to come back for others. Direct them through the same paths I crossed without the horror of being alone. I came realize, some people don’t want to go the extra mile and never will. It’s easier to point fingers at what is wrong with the white collar than to educate themselves on the title. With status, comes responsibility. With more on the line, there is way more to lose. I cannot drop my own ball in hopes to help someone who wants to stay on the bench. It is not my duty to manipulate the minds of those who don’t want to learn. It is also not my responsibility to hold or accept their insecurities about my success on my shoulders. My job is to encourage and inspire those who encourage and inspire me. My kids and my husband deserve a leader who is not afraid of walking alone in the darkness, so they can feel safe and secure in the light. They are the only people that I owe my all to.
Finding solace in an unknown space is terrifying. The more I learn the more I feel out of place but that does not mean that I don’t deserve to be seen in that room. My time, energy and wisdom are valuable and I refuse to give anything else to anyone who cannot support that. I am sick of feeling less than or mocked because I have done well for myself. I can no longer hold onto any of the generational pessimistic ideals of those that lived before me. So feel free to beat me down, take everything I have, and find glory in my downfall but I promise you, I will get up again. Say goodbye to the little girl who yearned for love and support and say hello to the woman who doesn’t need it anymore. Find me on the wayward path, detecting my own way and making room for those who want to follow. I am still the girl who couldn’t afford to keep her heat on during the winter. I am still the girl who was tied up and pistol whipped in her own home. I am still the girl who cried for help when nobody came to my rescue. I am still the girl who got up, despite the world that weighed her down. I am the woman who has helped people find solace in their trauma. I am the woman who cared for her ailing father while kissing her kids wounds. I am the woman who became an Executive Board Member at 35 years old. I am the woman who is working towards making the world a better place, though love. I am the woman that made my house a home. I am the woman who is breaking generational curses and showing my future grandkids that anything is possible with faith. I am the woman who ends this battle now.
No more apologies.
God loves you and so do I,
- XO