As human beings I really think that the set way for us to deal with our problems is to avoid them altogether. We naturally run away or block our emotions so we can handle the everyday madness that we live through. Dating someone that chews funny? GHOST HIS ASS. Best friend and you are having an argument? LEAVE THAT BITCH ON READ. Manager testing your buttons? WALK AWAY BEFORE SHIT TURNS UGLY. That momentary bit of silence does the body so good. You’re able to breathe a bit, get together your thoughts and emotions, find a little piece of your opinion without the noise, and find solitude within the silence. But what if we cannot avoid it? What if your problem is invading your space and pushing all those buttons that trigger you from 0 to 1,000 at any given moment. Every single one of your five senses over stimulated with things that remind you of your problem. The very thing you want to run away from is right on your lap slapping you around like a mad man, as your strapped down to a chair, gagged and furious.
Hello, my name is Xochitl and this is my current reality…
Imagine going on a 34 year pilgrimage to find a mystical garden people have only heard of and the second you sit down to enjoy it, an asteroid comes and turns everything around you to ash. You’re now forced to search for life behind the soot and debris, find flowers that were protected by caves and water thats needs to be dug underground. I thought I understood the meaning of life when I sat down in bliss and now I realize that I hadn’t even scratched the surface. I’m using every single lesson, meditation, prayer and feel good process I’ve learned to keep myself just barely floating above water, tired with nothing left to give. I’m doing more for myself on a regular basis than I ever have in my life and I’m still drowning six feet below the surface. I have no time to be pretty, vain or full of myself. I gotta roll up my sleeves, throw on some work boots, and prepare for the dirt. I’m bound to step in shit I don’t want to and encounter visuals that will surely effect me later, all while a voice in my head says “stay positive, enjoy the little things.”
God’s making me work for it right now, he’s making me build it back up and cultivate that garden even better, smarter and ready for any fucking asteroid that decides to impose on its miraculous beauty. To do that, I’m going to have to be rushed by every trigger known to man and still find peace within it. Easier said than done, God. *insert eye roll here*
Up until this point I thought I’ve addressed my issues. I feel so comfortable in my madness now that it all seems the same. Being able to connect with others by the exact same things Im embarrassed of, soaking in the shit with the ugly. Not really knowing the difference. That is when it gets scary but it’s been scary & Im really just worried overall.
You ever notice how you have trouble seeing things clearly when it’s too far away but when you bring it up to your nose it’s also blurry. You have to find clarity literally in a sweet spot, like Goldilocks, not too hot, not too cold. Right now everything is so up close and personal that it can be hard to see clearly because it’s too bunched up in my face on a daily. I can’t focus. How do you find focus without pulling out all together? Sometimes because of my past experiences I think that I’d rather have things too up close in my face with me working on clarity than ignoring it and cowering into a corner without having a chance to see shit.
I’ve been blind before and I worked so hard to run away from my problems that I lost sight of where I was supposed to go. I let go of myself, my values, my confidence, my creativity and most of all my sense of responsibility. Once it gets to the point where you’re not holding yourself responsible or accountable, it’s only downhill from there. This right minded, free spirit of a woman needs boundaries. I also need structure and routine, something I never had but have perfected throughout my journey. Pulling away from my daily habits fucks with my head & right now, my life is turned upside down. I don’t want to be numb, I NEED to feel.
I’ve found that one of the most courageous things a person can do is to confront their triggers. Yes, I’ve learned how to ignore my triggers but now it’s time to face these fuckers. As hard as it is for me to focus, I have to stand my ground and figure this all out. I have to use every last inch of space to fill my mind with laughter, creativity, and as much peace and balance as I’m able. This next step of my journey is not for the weak minded, I thought I’ve felt emotions before God said BET. It’s okay though, I enjoy a good challenge and I am built differently. I want to take this time and really use it to my advantage. I don’t want to run away and cower, I want to fight this tooth and nail and walk away from this a triple crown champion, knowing that I did everything in my power to make this situation meant for me. No more running away. No more cluttered blindness. It’s time back up, look at my surroundings, focus in on the task at hand then act.
Hello, my name is Xochitl and I choose to fight.
Pray for me y’all.
God loves you and so do I,
-XO