Love is in the air! Red roses, balloons, chocolates and stuffed animals are sold higher than any other point of the year and couples around the world are confessing their undying love for their valentine. Even if they don’t have a valentine, people are professing their love for their kids, siblings and parents. Where do you fit in?
I ask this because every time I think about my hardest times, I think about how horribly bad I treated myself. I couldn’t find the space to love myself so I made bad decisions and loathed in them. I drove myself through the abyss of alcohol, drugs, and chaos because I couldn’t find the love that I had for myself. I based my self adoration on the reactions that I received from others and when I had nothing else to give anyone else, I had nothing to love myself for.
It’s so unfortunate that when we need to love ourselves harder, we devalue ourselves more. Recently I’ve been indulging myself in books and sessions about depression and the reasonings behind it. Naturally, we are all still hardwired the same way we were thousands of years ago. Our genetic makeup cultivated our need to be apart of a tribe and our need to survive, even though we no longer have to go thru great lengths to feed ourselves or engage in face to face interactions. We now can simply go to the grocery store and pick out what we want to eat without the fear or adrenaline of predators. We now can connect online with people to communicate without the need to have face to face interaction. The problem is, our body and mind still think like the aborigines, fight or flight mode activated and our need for contact and approval still on top of our mental needs as humans. Without these things, we feel lost, anxious, fearful, depressed and useless. Without these things, we hate ourselves.
I’ve tried for many years to decode my many emotions and it always comes back to the same feeling, despite how hard I’ve worked to keep it away. Yes, I find joy in helping others and being an “inspiration” to those in need but I also need to practice what I preach sometimes. My trauma has effected the way my brain processes memories and although I have gone through great lengths to help heal myself, that memory always comes with the agony of self hatred. Confidence can only take you so far when you genuinely dislike yourself and when you’re so far down the rabbit hole of disgust, it’s hard to see the lights at the top of the tunnel.
In my quest to learn about depression I found out about a word that I’ve never known but have always felt. Rumination. Rumination, as noted in the dictionary, is a deep or considered thought about something. While ruminating, we find ourselves so enthralled with a single thought that it leads us to believe things that aren’t true. It’s like Chinese telephone, a single thought that starts off as “you didn’t eat your vegetables today” somehow turns into “you’re a fat piece of shit that can’t stick to a regimen” that then turns to “why are you even trying you’re never going to be skinny again” and ends at “you don’t deserve life because you’re never going to accomplish shit.” This word has helped me to realize how the process of reflecting is not always positive & we can allow our thought processes to take us places that are ugly and downright mean. Accepting that I ruminate and suck myself into this black hole of disgust has given me a chance to recognize when I’m doing it, and stop it dead in its tracks.
Instinctively, I’ve always been that person that can’t sit still. Foot always moving, twitching when I’ve become uncomfortable in certain positions, hands always in my mouth (a stupid habit I’ve tried to break my whole life, still unable to) and losing focus easily. These same attributes would have landed me in a mental institution as a schizophrenic in the 50’s, ruminating in my bedroom for hours before sleep to the point where I’d hear voices in my head. I’ve never admitted to these things but it makes a lot of sense now. Learning to find space and comfort in my own boredom, helps me to stop that process in its tracks and cut the thought dead on sight. Cue in meditation.
As a self proclaimed mid-century schizophrenic, meditation seems like a death sentence. Who in the fuck gladly sits in their own silence? A minute, sounds like a torture chamber. Ten minutes? You got me all the way fucked up. What I learned about meditation though is it’s not about the time you spend in focused attention, it’s about the composure you get after you build up that focus. Starting in 2020, meditation practice was something I wanted to try but never had the guts to start. This is me putting myself into that bubble, “you’re not build that way” but I surprise myself every single time I take those few minutes to balance myself. Have I stopped biting my nails? No but I have been able to recognize when I start ruminating. I’ve learned how to notice a thought, name it, accept it and let it go. For instance, that same thought of “you didn’t eat your vegetables today” is being recognized as “concern for my health” which I accept and let go. Instead of turning that one statement into a negative, I recognize how much I care about my health and that makes me feel better. When I find myself in deep thinking about a loved one I’m mad about I name it, “love for my family” because that’s where that emotion comes from. I don’t take myself down that hole because honestly, it isn’t wrong to be upset or hurt or sad or anxious or disappointed we just have to name it and let it go.
Deep down, all of the bad things we whisper to ourselves on a daily basis comes from a place of love. The fact that we care enough about ourselves to call ourselves out speaks volumes, just don’t take yourself down that rabbit hole. Love starts with YOU. It may not start as something that’s grand or even noticeable but start stripping down who you are to get where you need to be. After reading the book “Quit Like A Woman” by Holly Whitaker, she explains how easy it is to self loath on your worst features without recognizing the deep connection we’re missing with our truest selves. She explains that process in a special way, which I dare you to try now.
At this very moment, think about who you are.. (STOP)
Great! Now, scratch whatever you thought about yourself and go deeper. Who are you after that? (STOP)
Awesome, got that out of your system? Now go even deeper, who are you after the frills and ideals you thought you were? (STOP)
Feel better? After all of those things are out, who are you really? What are the things you enjoy most about your personality? Strike down everything you said before and really get deep in there. By the time my reflection was done, it came down to my ability to love, the protection I give others, my compassion for those around me, and the way my mind works. Honestly, that’s all I want in my world. I don’t want or care for the frivolous material and in-genuine love that comes from social media, I want meaningful relationships with those I love and that love me. This reflection gave me purpose to be ME, to love who I am, to thrive in my attributes to see all that is good about this person who has gone through so much and can still find the love and patience to care for others.
Every single day, we deserve to love ourselves despite our circumstances. Allowing one thought to ruminate into self hatred is normal, it doesn’t make you a schizophrenic, it makes you human. All you have to do, is stop it in its track and call it what it really is, true, genuine, unforgettable, undeniable love.
Happy Valentines Day everyone.
God loves you and so do I,
-XO