Cry baby cry. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember being emotionally involved and aware of my surroundings. I can easily pick up on the emotions of others which I really didn’t understand back then. I’d often cry myself to sleep overthinking about this or that so crying has always been a way for me to express myself when I couldn’t find the words to explain how I’m feeling, at any given moment. I’ve had plenty of tears of joy, fear, frustration, pain, grief, compassion & empathy, each session completely different from the last.
You’re probably thinking, this blog is supposed to be motivating, why the hell is she writing about being a cry baby? Well, it’s because we all deserve to sit in our sadness and let it out in tear form. Crying may be seen as a sign of weakness but there are some really powerful aspects of balling your eyes out every once in a while.
This past week I’ve had the same conversation with a number of different friends. A good friend of mine that I’ve known since I was about 17 recently suffered a miscarriage and is still in a hard spot of grief, maybe even “all cried out” and numb from the pain. I hadn’t had a chance to talk with her since this tragedy and as she sat calmly by my side with no reaction, I was squeezing her tightly sobbing like a baby. Like sobbing, uncontrollably ugly crying snot and all. She explained to everyone unphased, “Xoch is just an empath.” It’s true. I wanted all her pain that she was holding in to be released with my tears. I know this is nearly impossible but at that moment, it felt right. Crying at that moment for my friend who was feeling pain was a necessity for me to do so I wouldn’t take those emotions home with me. With me now caring for my dad, my home has been somewhat of a colder place to be. Ugly crying for 25 minutes while squeezing my friends body helped me help her somehow and that was the moment I really realized how important a good cry is.
Sure, when you’re down in the dumps and life isn’t really aligning the way you want to, society tells you to “be strong” and smile in the times of darkness. Let me tell you, telling someone to “be strong” in a moment where their own weakness is overpowering them and fear cripples them from happiness is the worst thing you can say. We’re taught as kids to “wipe them tears” and “don’t you cry” when we hurt ourselves or feel pain from sorrow, well I think that’s bullshit. It makes me sad to think that those same words that have been drilled in me I drilled into my oldest son, who now tries not to cry when he’s hurt. It’s a vicious cycle, crying is healthy when you need it. Sometimes we cannot explain why we’re crying or what instance has caused it but that emotion is there and sometimes we have to dwell in it.
This is one of the problems with substance abuse, while alcohol and drugs may release serotonin to your body at the moment you’re drinking it, the downside that you feel the next day is a direct effect of your body feeling the need to have that serotonin when you’re done drinking that bottle. Yes, alcohol makes you feel better when you’re drinking it but once you stop, your body is just craving that feeling of euphoria and it creates the exact opposite effect of what you wanted it to do. This is why alcohol dependency in times of hardship and sorrow rise, your body wants to feel happy, even for a moment. It also allows you to not sit in your sadness. That boost of serotonin feels amazing, maybe it’s stopping you from feeling like you’re miserable for a moment and our brains automatically associate that feeling with the substance. After my cousin passed in 2014 I had a strong connection with alcohol. I’d never dealt with death in that way before, never having the chance to sit down and soak it up, my depression hit an all time high and I started to use alcohol to help me maintain my emotions. My ability to cry had suddenly been halted because alcohol had numbed me from feeling anything. Once the booze felt like it was doing nothing for me, I started doing coke again after 10 years of staying away from it. Admitting this is not easy, I only admitted this to my husband a few months ago. He had no idea. This is how well I hid this habit. My schedule consisted of waking up by 6 am, working until 5 pm, drinking until 4 am and sleeping 2 hours just to do it all over again. I was so desensitized from my lack of sleep, alcohol abuse, and constant need to be working that I stopped caring. I was no longer the little girl who could cry on a whim, I truly did not care anymore.
Nobody wants to admit their pain and suffering. Online we’re all this perfect ball of happiness that can’t be touched because life is good and we’re not soft emotional cry babies because we’re strong independent human beings who can take on the world with a single finger. I can say 1000% that my vulnerability saved my life. My ability to admit my wrongs, say I’m not okay and cry like a fucking baby saved my life. I stopped the need to feel just “okay” because I wanted to feel AMAZING despite my deep rooted anxiety and stress. I had to stop over analyzing trying to hide my sadness by drowning in alcohol and drugs. I had to stop feeling my need to be perfect in the public eye or feeling that my true self wasn’t good enough to be liked on Instagram. I had to sit in my sadness, examine it with a magnifying glass, cry my little eyes out and grow through my tears.
Going through the worst part of my life, I’m thankful I feel comfortable doing the things that I do to put my emotions first. Had my dad became paralyzed in 2015/2016, I wouldn’t have been able to deal. At that time I thought I was experiencing my whits end but here comes God in 2021 with the most trying, emotionally damaging and scary chapters of my life. I am not ashamed to say that my tears get the best of me sometimes and I am kind of sick of crying at this point but I do let my tears be. Sundays as I’m kneeling before the alter, I cry. Driving in the car, listening to music, I cry. Watching my baby boy smile and make funny comments about our new life, I cry. I no longer want to feel weak for crying, I want to use this to help take out my anxiety and feel how I’m feeling. Being present in my emotions is a priority I need to make to not take me back to where I was.
Let it feel. Let it out. Let it go.
God loves you and so does this cry baby,
-XO